When it hurts so bad, why does it feel so good

It has been a constant fight, realizing how much of “whom” I was then no longer syncs with who I am now. How selfish my life was, but I guess one should be selfish with their life as we only get one shot at this. I prey there is an afterlife, and if faith can overcome my logic, then I hope one day I find that peace.

I quote Lauren Hill, who did not heed her own warning signs, “When it hurts so bad, why does it feel so good”

It all started with coffee,

Since then there is not one day I don’t chase,

Longing, fixating.

Find you in everything that ignites me, entices me, or sedates me.
Orgasms, Alcohol, Cigarettes, Narcotics,

Be it over or under the counter;

Worst of you is belief, the one peddled gloom-day through Sunday if not all days.

Reeking of weak and feeble,

Or is it vice versa

Within this age and time fed by illusions, whimsical daydreams of grandeur which hinder faith now

I truly don’t know,

But this itch I claw at with no relief,

Without reference

Never knew “Before You” as it has always been “Because of you,”

We suffer as our fathers did,

You see, you course through me,

So with this fact I wed,

Knowing this marriage holds no release

Divulged your weight within female caresses, scotch and zeppelin,

Sought expression when none was present, so I jump into void without fear

Cut in case of emergency etched nonchalantly if it ever becomes clear and I see no way out,

This is addiction,

And when you understand how much you will need to strip away for freedom,

You realize there is no life left,

Emotionally numb, once you’ve tasted of excess, you can never settle for less,

It’s zero to sixty, all or nothing, never “Why not” just “If not”

Die young and make them understand life without you,

Because in truth, I cannot picture life without you,

You are my vice, my vice grip on sanity,

Rather my cue exit stage left from insanity

Because sober is the screams of every word I never spoke

And “Not high” are the twisted thoughts, upon which I choke,

One thing I know now is we don’t cure, we replace,

So smile for life’s camera and hope you never regress, 

5 Years, Its Been a while! Being happy has nothing to do with depression!

Things fall apart, they break, and that’s life,

It’s beautiful like that in a sense

But fuck,

It was life then that broke,

And since then I have been falling apart,

No ten year-old should feel to such a capacity, it should not be within our context of thought

Yet I was gifted this ability to see into souls,

I understood the disconnect of not being wanted, and as I look at my new born daughter,

I cry for the five year old who wondered why his father beat him as he did,

You see, mine is not the pain which is burned to memory,

At twelve years of age I started to lose those I loved, 

Was I supposed to know what coke concealed in a dollar bill would do to my mother?

I remember her tears; I remember an emotion,

Something that is now so hard to come upon,

Father no comfort he was only a tenant;

Father no comfort he was also the villain,

You see you broke them,

And it’s probably why I feel you constantly take,

You broke innocence, and since you were older then I am now,

Fuck you,

I am teaching a child not even my blood, own your actions,

I have been reckless with love, many can attest,

But not with those where love should’ve been unconditional,

And one month into fatherhood, I understand unconditional,

So now I question more than before,

Am I pissing into the wind? Bit early to know,

But I have a pretty good outline of what not to do,

At least you taught me that,

Just wish it was not the only lesson shared!